In my practice from 1990 to 2008, I served hundreds of clients, thousands of massages. Every new client I saw completed an intake form and I conducted an interview in order to know how best to serve them. This intake process should be a standard practice for every legitimate massage therapist. One of the questions on my intake form states “when was your last massage”. During the interview, I often asked my clients “would you be willing to share with me why it did not work out with your last therapist so I can be sure not to duplicate that experience?”  This list is a compilation of what I have heard over the years.

Everything on this list either happened to a client of mine, a student of mine, or to me. Some of the infractions are extremely rare and completely awful, even resulting in therapists being reported. Some of the infractions I have heard dozens of times and are of a more subtle nature. Still, no matter what you think about the individual items on this list, these are reasons people have continued to look for another massage therapist to replace the one they worked with before. As an educator, a massage therapy expert and passionista, I know and I teach that when a client is on a table, all of their senses are cranked up to a much higher level of sensitivity.  This is what makes some of these minor mistakes more upsetting to the client. When a client makes themselves completely vulnerable by offering the therapist the privilege to work with them, we, the therapists, must be on our A-Game at all times, providing nurturing, ethical, therapeutic and professional touch.  Being sloppy is not rewarded with the loyalty of repeat clients.

On the first day of my program at the Berkana Institute of Massage Therapy in the Self Care and Hygiene class that I teach, I present this list. The students are always amazed, and the list usually grows from the conversations that the list provokes. My commitment to my students is that if they apply the principles we are teaching in technique, ethics, mindfulness and proven business practices they will be successful in this field.  If a massage therapist manages to get someone on their table, the key to success is retention.  Now, we are all born with an innate ability to provide nurturing compassionate touch to one another, and no one can teach this natural ability, but I can help my students figure out what conditioning from their life is getting in the way of their delivery of this normal skill, and I can teach them what NOT to do, and how to approach the beauty of compassionate and nurturing touch with industry professionalism and artistic grace.

With that…here is THE LIST:

• There was no interview or paperwork.
• She/he did not listen to me.
• She/he seemed rushed.
• The room was too cold.
• The room was too warm.
• The music was not relaxing.
• The music was too loud.
• The music was too provocative.
• She/he talked too much.
• She/he did not tell me what to expect.
• She/he did not explain to me what they were doing.
• She/he told me everything they were doing. I wanted to relax not have a play by play.
• She/he talked about themselves.
• She/he was arrogant and acted like they were better than me.
• She/he tried to sell me products.
• She/he used too much oil or cream and I felt greasy following the session.
• She/he used too little oil or cream and it pulled my skin and hair.
• She/he got cream in my hair and I had to go back to work.
• She/he pulled my hair repeatedly.
• She/he did not work on the areas I asked them to.
• She/he worked on areas I told them not to.
• By the time she/he got to my areas of concern, there was not enough time.
• The way she/he draped did not make me feel safe. I felt exposed and could not relax.
• The draping was too conservative to address my areas of concern.
• I felt she/he was too sensual, almost sexual with me.
• They did not seem competent with neck, and that is where my issues are.
• I felt she/he was not present with me. She/he felt distracted.
• Her/his approach felt like a recipe, it is always the same, like I’m a number.
• They leaned on me.
• I felt her/his breath on me.
• She/he had very bad breath.
• The massage oil was really smelly and I smelled for hours following the massage.
• I felt the fabric of her clothes touch me over and over.
• She/he did not go deep enough.
• She/he went way too deep and hurt me.
• The pressure was not consistent from body part to body part.
• She/he sniffled the whole time.
• She/he smelled like cigarettes.
• She/he smelled like onions and garlic.
• She/he smelled like a hippie.
• I’m an athlete and I want to work with someone who can help me with stretches.
• She/he wore some kind of smelly perfume or hair spray that gave me a headache.
• The pace was too fast.
• She/he wasted a lot of time with draping.
• They sweat on me. It was as if they were massaging me with their sweat.
• She/he said negative things about my body.
• I felt his/her cuticle scratch me over and over.
• I felt his/her nail.
• They scratched me.
• Their hands were rough.
• I saw a cut on their hand.
• They massaged over bones.
• The work was redundant and mechanical.
• Their toes were disgusting and dirty.
• They were not dressed professionally. He/she seemed to take no care of their personal appearance.
• I told them I had an injury and they forgot and started to work on it and now I’m screwed up.
• His/her teeth were not taken care of, and I thought if they can’t take care of their own teeth, how can they take care of me?
• She dragged her hair on me.
• She dressed too provocatively.
• I felt her breast on me.
• I felt him/her press his/her crotch on me.
• I think they were texting at one point.
• He massaged me with one hand a lot. I was wondering where his other hand was.
• He/she breathed heavy out of their mouth making a perverted sound.
• His/her pelvis kept running into my head when they massaged my back.
• They sneezed and did not wash their hands.
• They left the massage to do something.
• They passed gas.
• They answered the phone during the session.
• Something wet dropped on me.
• They had on bells which jingled the whole time.
• She cried on me. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she had just broken up with her boyfriend.
• The moves were too extreme and now I’m injured.
• When they came in the room they did not announce themselves.
• She/he did not check in on the depth.
• When I told her to go deeper, she did not.
• When I told her to go lighter, she did not.
• His hands trembled.
• The work felt tentative like they did not know what they were doing.
• The work felt erratic like they did not know what they were doing.
• The work did not feel complete.
• They made sloshy sounds with the cream.
• They made noise all around the room.
• Their voice was very irritating.
• He/she was late to start.
• They ended the work early and I sat there waiting for my husband to come out of his massage for 5 minutes!
• They ended my massage late and I had to pick up my daughter from kindergarten. Ruined my relaxed feeling.
• The location was not great for my commute.
• There were signs everywhere pressuring me to tip.
• There was no parking.
• Her available hours were impossible for my schedule.
• She was coughing/sneezing. I think she was sick
• The techniques felt creepy.
• The work felt abrupt and rough.
• The office was noisy.
• They did not protect my confidentiality and talked about me to my friend who is also their client.
• They got cream in my eyes.
• Before they tapoted me, he said “have you been a good girl or a bad girl”.
• The light was in my eyes.
• They put a drape over my eyes and it made me feel vulnerable.
• The face cradle was at the wrong angle and it hurt my neck.
• When I shook their hand it was like a limp noodle.
• Their voice was too loud.
• I had to walk though their house/personal space to get to the massage room.
• She put the drape into my butt crack.
• The office decorations had religious art that made me feel uncomfortable.
• There were too many stairs to go up and down, and in the winter there was ice on the stairs.
• The bathroom was dirty.
• They did not offer to massage my abdomen.
• I don’t think the sheets were clean. The whole office felt dirty.
• When I asked what the honey was for (Russian spa treatment) he said it’s to make you sweeter.
• I wore my underwear and he told me the massage would not be effective and I must remove them.
• They did not offer to massage my face.
• I have issues in my hips and I told them that. She/he never worked there.
• She said a prayer with my head in her hands.
• She “invoked” my spirit guides???
• She made me drink some kind of special water infused with crystal energy.
• He/she groaned and repeated my name when he/she worked.
• There was a mirror at the foot/head of the table.
• They cranked my neck to the side when they worked on it knowing I have a whiplash injury.
• They put their fingers in my belly button when they massaged my abdomen.
• They touched my nipples when they massaged my chest (male client)
• When I flipped over, the head rest was not set up.
• They dropped the lotion jar and it hit the floor.
• They had a big glob of massage cream on their arm that they dipped into throughout the session.
• They repeated the same stroke over and over again. It started to hurt.
• They found some sensitive areas but did not adjust their depth.
• It felt like I just paid $80 to have lotion applied to my body. It was not effective.
• The company tried to get me to sign an ongoing contract.
• They flirted with me and asked me if I wanted to hang out.
• I fell asleep and when I woke up the session was over. That was a really expensive nap. I wished they had woken me up.
• He/she was not warm and friendly, like you would expect a massage therapist to be.
• He/she hugged me, and I was not into it.
• She said “oh, you have so much cellulite on your thighs, I can help you with that.
• I felt like she was checking me out when I was flipping over.
• She were flaky…consistently rescheduling to accommodate her world travels.
• He stood me up!