Category Archives: thoughts

Stealing Thunder

21 Saturday Mar 2015

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kaboom

I was thinking about this today when it came out of my mouth with my step kids. The two girls have birthdays right next to each other and when the first birthday comes, the second kiddo is always sure to say things like “are you going to remember pizza for MY birthday TOO?” or “ Daddy, don’t forget when MY Birthday comes I want the PURPLE dinosaur” etc.

The second child will even try to wrangle the attention of the party goers and take control of the scene. Here is when I say. “Hey, don’t steel your sister’s thunder. Your birthday is right around the corner and that day will be all about you. Let her have THIS day!”

This behavior is a classic power/attention struggle. I see it play out at my Institute with my students and my Instructors, on social media, as well as in the Massage Therapy Profession. I see it in myself too. This is actually one of my great lessons still to learn. As a child, I would literally stand up in front of the television and act out and sing the entire Gilligan’s Island theme song while the family yelled at me to move out of the way. As you can see, I want you the reader’s attention RIGHT NOW, and that is probably why I am I writing this blog.

WHY does one feel the need to be sarcastic, make passive aggressive remarks or step on someone else’s toes for their own immediate ego gratification? What is it about needing attention that leads us to unsavory and selfish behavior?

These moments can play out in group settings in some of the following ways:

  • Interrupting to tell the punch line, or the ending of a movie, or sharing the information that someone else is clearly supposed to be delivering.
  • Making snarky or sarcastic remarks that you think are funny and cleaver, but are actually hurtful. These remarks are usually subtle enough that you get away with it. Kind of like passing gas while walking.
  • Trying to make a group laugh at the expense of the leader, and/or derailing the leader’s train of thought.
  • One upping in any way. Name dropping. Monopolizing a mentors time when there are others that may be shy to ask questions. Asking questions when REALLY what you want to do is prove that you know something.
  • Just being a total jerk. Amazing how many people get away with this on Facebook every day with people they should treat with common courtesy and respect.

The very basic practice of mindfulness and being aware of how you respond, (or better yet noticing how you WANT to respond prior to responding) in a group or team setting will help you uncover why you feel the need to grab some power from the moment. It is okay to grab some power from the moment, but it’s not okay to do that in such a way that is hurtful or demeaning to others. This negative expression of power tripping, however subtly done, happens a lot and serves no one.

I don’t claim to know what motivates anyone other than myself. I want to feel important. I want to feel special. I want to feel like my contribution matters. I want to feel love and appreciation. I’m guessing this, at the bottom of the barrel, is what motivates most of us to vie for some type of recognition.

Noticing this behavior in others, and being annoyed by it, I’m going to turn my attention to where I can create change. I’m going to look at me. I’m going to breathe, watch my thoughts, and when I’m having an especially MINDFUL moment, bite my tongue when I want to add something to the conversation that really does NOT help, can hurt, and only serves to bring attention to myself.

In a world where no one is free from dysfunction, all we can do is try.

On a walk one day in the jungle several years ago, one of my beloved students shared this quote with me: “Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?” – Sai Baba

May we all take this brilliant advice to heart, shower love and attention on ourselves and those around us so all may feel satisfied and filled up enough to enjoy a moment of just being in the silence, or letting someone else be in the spotlight sharing without our input.

Jill Kristin Berkana

Jill Berkana LMT Founder/Director Berkana Institute of Massage Therapy and Bodywork Passionista

 

The Illusion of Safety, and the GIFT in losing it.

30 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in brain goo, Ideas, thoughts, Tidbits from the Massage Mamma

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Safety-Net-PhotoIn the last month I have been managing a series of traumatic events that have challenged me to my core. Still, this should not level me. No one in my immediate family has cancer. We are not starving. We are not living in a war zone, and we are not homeless. I have not been in a horrific car accident, I am not fighting for my life in the ICU with my family at my bedside. I have not lost the use of my body or mind. Have I lost my composure? uhuh… a few times.  I am dealing with the temporary and privileged inconvenience of having my Massage School’s headquarters become uninhabitable after a sudden freeze and boiler malfunction. Yep. It sucks.

When this grim misfortune destroyed the plumbing and heating in the building we called home for the Berkana Institute we were 6 days away from launching our new class. A class full of eager and trusting students, many who had traveled and relocated from their home to attend, and who had struggled to find housing as close to the Institute as possible. All who were expecting to be learning in the grounded and exquisite environment of the Victorian Mansion on Race Street.

At first I had to kid myself, and I did a very good job of that, that we would return in a day. Then the kidding lengthened into a week, of course we only needed a place to have our classes for one week! I found that remedy and savior in our loving neighbors at the Unity Temple next door. Phew! We carried on having our Orientation there, and I assured my new beautiful class that all was well, and we would be returning back to the mansion as soon as they turned the water and the heat back on. No. Big. Deal.

Sitting in the kitchen surrounded by the Service Pro emergency team, my landlord, and the plumbers on that ill-fated Tuesday afternoon when they were speaking the dirty language of months to repair, my landlord turned to me and in a way that can only be described as a slow motion punch in the face and said “well, I don’t know what YOU’RE going to do”. That phrase repeated in my head as if it was bouncing off the inside of my skull “well, I don’t know what you’re going to do” “well, I don’t know what you’re going to do” “well, I don’t know what you’re going to do”…

After a period of the incessant head game of terrifying word pong I finally gained control of the monkey mind and became crystal clear. “OK! I KNOW what I’m going to do! I am going to find a new building! I’m going to survive this catastrophe and serve my students an amazing massage therapy education regardless of the loss of the building! The school is NOT the building! WE are the school!” became my mantra.

Classes began and everyone was solid! Everyone was excited! Everyone was open! Everyone was eager! Anatomy and Physiology was being taught, Massage Tables were being opened, dressed, stripped, cleaned and folded up. We continued, and we all worked hard.

Every moment of every day that I am not in class teaching, bathing or sleeping I have been seeking the new home for the Berkana Institute of Massage Therapy. I have communicated with and engaged in one way or another with several dozen commercial realtors. I have read Craigslist 8-10 times per day to see what has been posted in the last few minutes. I’m having Craigslist nightmares. All of the schools equipment has been packed by professional movers who are waiting at the ready for the new address. I have fallen in love with places, shared my excitement with others and then been completely disregarded if not totally ignored by several “professionals” who verbally made commitments. I’m sorry to report that ethics and integrity are not ever present in the Commercial Real Estate field in the mile high city. I feel as if I’m kissing toads.

Next week we will have our classes at a new temporary facility that is beautiful and home to a rich culture of holistic health care practitioners. How long we will be there, we do not know, and there are bumps to negotiate with equipment management and scheduling issues there too. I imagine the students will continue to beam their bright understanding natures into the experience and I will continue to eat this elephant one bite at a time, chewing well every bite.

While I am chewing and deciding what to gnaw on next my beloved apprentice Heather is fighting the good fight after being in a tragic car accident. She has escaped the ICU and gets stronger every day! A professional leader that I admire greatly is focusing all of her energy and time to hold her man’s hand while he goes through 30 or so chemotherapy treatments, and too many people have lost the use of their arms and hands yet still smile and love and do whatever they can to help others. People are dying in war zones and from starvation every minute of every day. Let’s not forget how rich we are.

We are fragile. No one is safe. Anything can happen. Life is not a sitcom and unexpected trauma can be expected. When you are in the middle of the storm you will be forced to be present, and as you balance your act on the edge of the unknown and possible devastation you get to know what you are truly made of and what really matters. That is the gift. When the rug is suddenly pulled out from under you, you get the rare opportunity to feel that fragility of life, and recognize how important we people are to each other. We remember that what matters most is how we show up for ourselves and each other as each moment of our precious life passes.

Every challenging experience can break you down to your raw and essential self. In that state of unknown chaos we have this rare chance to reflect upon, and rearrange how we are living. We have a rare chance to rise to a new and improved version of ourselves to bring forward into tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will talk to the realtor at 9:30, see the storage facility at 10:30, meet with the new property manager at 11:00, start to sort through the stuff in preparation for the movers between 12:00 and 1:00, look at Craigslist half a dozen times by then, try to remember to eat and drink plenty of water and at 1:15pm until 3:00pm I will show up and honor my students with the very best that I’ve got. May we all walk a righteous path especially when the path is washed out.

And yeah… of course the Berkana Institute of Massage Therapy will rise from the ashes of what we call fate. Our work is not hardly close to done. ❤

Jill Kristin Berkana

Jill K. Berkana LMT Founder/Director Berkana Institute of Massage Therapy and Bodywork Passionista

 

Dear Massage Therapy Clients

15 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in thoughts, Tidbits from the Massage Mamma

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594990Dear Massage Therapy Clients,

Many of you are being played. Here is the game.

  1. Some Massage Therapy Schools require Federal Financial Aid in order to entice students to attend and thus have the tuition income needed to survive.
  2. In order for a school to qualify to offer Federal Financial Aid, the school must demonstrate that a certain percentage of their graduates will have job placement.
  3. Many of these Schools will partner with huge chains of Massage Franchises to fulfill this job placement requirement.
  4. Those Franchises then hire the graduates and pay the therapists substandard wages, claiming they are “green” and need experience.
  5. The Franchises pay their therapists $12-$17 per hour (plus tips) to provide YOUR MASSAGE. The rest of the money you paid goes to “overhead” which includes large executive salaries, big parties, huge conferences, and massive advertising campaigns that have little to no benefit to the therapist who gave you YOUR MASSAGE.
  6. You pay about $50 for the massage, but you are getting a $12-$17 massage value.
  7. The massage therapists can be overworked in order to make ends meet working for these substandard wages, can burn out and this can have a negative impact on the quality of the massage you receive.
  8. If you are lucky enough to work with someone at one of these places who HAS gone to a school that cares, and who HAS been in practice for a while, you are still getting a$12-$17 massage.
  9. If it makes you feel better about the arrangement, you can add on the $10-$20 tip you are paying. So… you are paying $60 – $70 per hour for a $22- $37 massage.

Your massage therapist is ONLY going to give you what they earn. They have to pace themselves. They might have to do 6 massages a day working in this atmosphere just to start to pay the rent, AND many must have another job.

Be a Discriminating Massage Therapy Client! You are paying for a service, you are making yourself vulnerable and you have options!

  • Work with Amazing Independent Massage Therapists! If you are looking for one in your region, let me know!
  • If you DO prefer the spa environment, please avoid the HUGE Corporate McMassage Chains that are notorious for exploiting massage therapists, and have incalculable client complaints. There are many wonderful locally owned Spas that will take care of you AND their Therapists!

As for the Groupons, Specials, and Contract Arrangements…when it comes to giving someone permission to touch your body and your whole life do you REALLY want a bargain?

And one final thought… Until you have the opportunity to build a long term relationship with a Therapist who you have seen over and over again, you really have not experienced the true benefit of this amazing therapeutic relationship and the work that can only happen once that deeper rapport has been established.

Receive the unlimited benefits of Massage Therapy, and… Don’t be a chump!

Resentment In Your Hands

23 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by in thoughts

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Throughout my bodywork career, I have tried to be vigilant over my thoughts and emotions while doing any type of hands-on work with my clients. Life happens, and ups and downs happen, and I have always felt strongly that if I were to touch someone while angry, sad, or resentful that I would be out of integrity with the work, and probably do some damage. I have been speaking to my students about doing bodywork with any kind of resentment as long as I’ve been an educator, and I’m eager to share these ideas with any body-workers who have not been introduced to these important concepts. I don’t believe this type of thinking is as common in our industry as it should be.

Performing Massage Therapy, Bodywork, or any type of hands on work with resentment in your heart, negative thoughts in your mind, or any kind of bad intent is wrong, Wrong, WRONG! It’s bad for the giver and it’s bad for the receiver. Someone is probably going to get hurt. This unprofessional behavior is blatantly unethical as far as I’m concerned.

Now, I can’t scientifically prove this or point to any type of study to prove this as I’m pretty busy and I don’t really care to prove it. If anyone wants to prove it that’s great! Scientists and Researchers get on down! Any conscious and considerate body-worker who has had some type of reasonable education can imagine the consequences. Based on the energetic relationship inherent in providing therapeutic touch and the mechanical effects of our work, we simply can’t fathom the impact we have on another being when we touch them. You can try, and you may claim to know, but you don’t know, and we can’t fully grasp or define the impact. Understanding and explaining the power of touch and the impact of our intentional touch would be like trying to explain every color that exists in the universe. So, for the sake of the point I’m trying to make,  let’s just say that the power of our touch is great, undefinable, and potentially powerful enough to encourage and discourage well-being.

It is my strong opinion that when we touch another person with the intent to provide bodywork of some type-form-style, and our heads and/or hearts are not in the right place, someone can get hurt. This damage can manifest emotionally, mentally, physically, or energetically.

Let’s explore what leads to resentment, anger, or sadness in our bodywork Here are the usual suspects:

Personal Event– Your mother has been diagnosed with Cancer. Your dog has been hit by a car. You are going through a divorce. There certainly are times when you can pull it together and work, and there are times when you simply should not. At my school the Berkana Institute of Massage Therapy, we teach about the “basket”. The imaginary basket sits outside the door of your working space and that is where you intentionally dump all of your “stuff” before you go in to serve your client. So what goes in the basket? Your thoughts about your personal life. Your problems. Your Worries. Your troubles. If you can’t leave it in the basket, you should probably cancel your session. Additionally, we practice a very clear CENTERING, GROUNDING AND FOCUS moment before we touch to insure we are aligned with positive intent for the client and the work.

Burn Out – You have been doing so much massage that you get to the point that you don’t like it, and may even hate your work. Take a vacation….please. Also, you may think about taking some continuing education to spice things up if you are in a funk and feel stuck in your routine.

Unfair Compensation – Not feeling rewarded for your work? Time to move on. If you are doing an exchange that is not fair, you will feel resentful. If you are not being compensated appropriately for your time, energy, and art, you will be resentful. This comes up a lot with people who feel obligated to massage their partners, spouses, family members or friends. If a close person in your life wants some of your bodywork and you wish to provide for them, be absolutely sure that there is some fair exchange going on. Your spouse may need to cook you dinner 3 nights a week or fix your car or do the shopping or wash your linens. There MUST be an exchange. If you are working for or with a middle man and you are not feeling compensated appropriately it’s time to move on. This is why I am an opponent of these McMassage chains. Rarely is  anyone compensated fairly at these places and this  puts the public at risk. If you are working for one of these places and you are providing more than 25 hours of bodywork and still not making ends meet because of the preposterous wages, you are going to burn out and you are going to resent your work and possibly hurt your clients. You deserve better. You really do!

Working with people who are disrespectful – You must know what your boundaries are, and you must write them down and have your clients sign off on your policies before you begin the therapeutic relationship. Make sure your policies are created in such a way to cover the items that are important to you such as: cleanliness, punctuality, appropriate behavior, and payment expectations. You must also learn to say NO and respect yourself by ending relationships with clients who it simply does not feel good with. These can be clients who try to tell you how to do your work, or have projection issues with you. You may not even know why you have a bad feeling for a client. If you do, first look at yourself as there may be a great learning opportunity for you here. Always as a first measure,  reach for compassion and look for the inner child in your client. This will help.If you still can’t figure out why you have resentment towards a client, speak with a mentor about it. Ultimately, if you can’t resolve the feeling you have, it’s best for you to professionally end the therapeutic relationship.

You got into this work because it’s beautiful, helpful and creative. We should all do our best to practice our art with the highest and best intention possible for ourselves and the people we have the awe inspiring privilege to serve.